Bobblin' for Kevin

By Pedregoso Rios
The Bobblehead-of-Lettuce bobbles in thanks to Dongwhipped owner Kevin Klinkhamer for his contributions to the website this year.

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Seriously, dude, thank you. There were days when I had nothing, absolutely nothing, that I could think to post and then, psychic-like, I’d get your link for the week. We here at the Santa Lechuga appreciate it!

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Mark Olivarria Officially Crowned 2008 Champ!

By Pedregoso Rios
With flipped-over paper trucks and newspapers shredded into confetti littering the parking lot of the Salinas Californian in the background, Mark Olivarria, owner of Dodger Blue, was officially crowned the 2008 Overall Champ of the Santa Lechuga Power League. "Those schmoes over at the Monterey Herald can stick it," Olivarria said as he was being drenched in a shower of champagne. "I've been looking forward to this day ever since I left the damn Herald."

Olivarria, who placed second to Monterey Herald Executive Editor Joe Livernois' Bobs of Bereavement for the Regular Season Championship, beat Livernois for the Overall Championship by a mere 12 points, the closest race in the history of the league. "Yeah, yeah, yeah ... 12 points, 200 points, whatever ... it was a win of epic proportions as far as I'm concerned," Olivarria said. "I'm the only team from the Californian in this chintzy little league and I kicked the butts of, like, 27 Herald teams. It's like they stacked the line with 11 350-pounders and I ran around 'em all for a 99-yard touchdown. Simply put, the Herald sucks." This is the first big win of any kind for the California advertising manager, who joined the league in 2005.

Meanwhile, amidst the mayhem taking place in the parking lot, SLPL Commissioner Rube Furrow formally announced the remaining 2008 champs. "It was a clean year ... 14 champs, 14 payouts," Furrow said. "We didn't have any of that stupid tie stuff. I don't have to write a slew of $3 checks 'cause 14 people tied as All-Star Co-Champs. (Vice President of Too Much Fun) Pedregoso Rios may be a knucklehead of phenomenal proportions, but that Magic Number idea really worked. It's a keeper."

In addition to announcing the official champs, Furrow also announced the 2008 payout winners. "Since the Overall and Regular Season champs can't win monies from any other championships they won, the 'next in line' for a given payout wins the money," Furrow explained. "It's an odd rule, we know, but there are three teams this year that aren't arguing with it." This season Olivarria and Livernois both won $558. Chowder Clams' Laith Agha and Marc Cabrera won $200 ($125 for being crowned Hitting Champ and for a 2nd place finish in Olivarria's Papagus® Division). Four teams won $125 and six teams won $75. "That's a good season right there when every payout winner can pay for their ownership fees and several trades with their winnings," Furrow said.

Furrow said he was happy with the season and is already looking forward to next season, though he did issue a challenge for champ Olivarria. "That was a great season. It ran like a top, we didn't have any major scandals--at least none that have been uncovered yet--and a good man won it all," Furrow said. "But I have a challenge for Mark, just to demonstrate that he's a real gamer. Mark, I challenge you to come up with at least four other teams from that pulp producer you call a newspaper known as the California next season. Four teams. If you want to really try to take down the Herald, bring it."

Here are this season's official champs and payouts.

2008 Champs

Post-Playoffs*
Overall Champ - Mark Olivarria, Dodger Blue
Regular Season Champ - Joe Livernois, aka Roberto Muerto, Bobs of Bereavement
Playoff Champ - Mark Olivarria, Dodger Blue

Post-Regular Season
Hitting Champ - Laith Agha and Marc Cabrera, Chowder Clam, aka Speedy Gonz-Agha and The Cabrerian Devil
Pitching Champ - Scott Forstner, Coors Light Silver Bullet Tall Cans
Power-Hitting Pitchers Champ - Paul Martin, Cabbage Farmers
All-Star Champ - Peggy Bocox, aka Big Momma Pbo, Athletic Supporters
Ben Pao® Division - Joe Livernois, aka Roberto Muerto, Bobs of Bereavement
Café Barbareeba - Jeren Livernois, Shocking the World Again!
Mon Ami Gabi® Division - Aaron Pankoke, The Strokes
Papagus® Division - Mark Olivarria, Dodger Blue
Scoozi! Division - Meg Cox, Swingin' A's
Tucci Benucch® Division - Richard Livernois, ¡Guao Wee!
Wow Bao™ Division - David Edison, Cameltowing, Inc.

*No champ was named for the Phil Rizzuto Memorial Hall-of-Fame Death Pool since none of the soon-to-be worm-fooders chose to die this season.

2008 Payouts
$558 - Mark Olivarria, Dodger Blue, Overall Champ
$558 - Joe Livernois, aka Roberto Muerto, Bobs of Bereavement, Regular Season Champ

$200 - Laith Agha and Marc Cabrera, Chowder Clam, Hitting Champ ($125) + 2nd Place Finish for Papagus® Division ($75)

$125 - Peggy Bocox, aka Big Momma Pbo, Athletic Supporters, All-Star Champ
$125 - Scott Forstner, Coors Light Silver Bullet Tall Cans, Pitching Champ
$125 - Paul Martin, Cabbage Farmers, Power-Hitting Pitchers Champ
$125 - Ken Ottmar, Seaside Dirtbags, 3rd Place Finish in Playoff Standings

$75 - Danielle Collier, Windy's City Wind Breakers, 2nd Place Finish for Ben Pao® Division
$75 - Jeren Livernois, Shocking the World Again!, Café Barbareeba Champ
$75 - Aaron Pankoke, The Strokes, Mon Ami Gabi® Division Champ
$75 - Meg Cox, Swingin' A's, Scoozi! Division Champ
$75 - Richard Livernois, ¡Guao Wee!, Tucci Benucch® Division Champ
$75 - David Edison, Cameltowing, Inc., Wow Bao™ Division Champ

Congrats to all out winners and thanks everyone for joining us this season! We look forward to seeing you all next season.

Pedregoso Rios
Vice President of Too Much Fun

P.S. If you haven't paid your ownership and trade fees, get on it already. We need to cut some championship checks! (Check Who Owes What to see what you owe. And if you've already paid and we haven't noted it, please let us know.) Send your check to:

Joe Livernois
459 Echo Valley Road
Salinas, CA 93907

If it's more convenient you can pay your derelict debt on PayPal.

Final Standings: Overall | Playoff | Team-by-Team Stats | Hitting Stats | Pitching Stats | HOF Death Pool
Final Regular Season Standings: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders
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Drunk Philadelphia Phillies Fan vs. Rays

By Kevin Klinkhamer
I had a pleasure supplying links for the website this year. Earlier in the season I did lobby to be paid a small fee for my links and their hilarious contents and was informed by the front office that my check was in the mail. Not surprisingly, I am still waiting to receive it. At this point I will settle for multiple heads of bobbing lettuce.

Well, the Phillies won the World Series, just in case you weren't one of the fifty people outside of Philly and Tampa Bay who actually watched last night. For my last link of the season I would like to show one of the many reasons I won't acknowledge this season even taking place, because of what transpired last night (yeah, I’m bitter Mets fan). And I am not referring to the Philly Phanatic with this video...that is an entirely different reason all together; he couldn't carry Mr. Met's jock and needs to be shot. As for the clown dancing, I have no doubt he was also one of the Philly fans who booed Santa Claus at an Eagles game and threw batteries at J.D. Drew back in the day. Like I have said many times before in this forum, I already know I am going to hell...with Pedregroso no less! Have a good winter and I will see you all next year.


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Mark Olivarria’s Dodger Blue Win It All!

By Pedregoso Rios
Mark Olivarria’s Dodger Blue has been crowned the Santa Lechuga Power League’s Overall Champs for 2008. Congratulations to the Mark and the Blue!

We’ll have more details, including a breakdown of all other champs and a summary of payouts, Thursday.

Playoff Standings: Overall | Playoff | Team-by-Team Stats | Hitting Stats | Pitching Stats | HOF Death Pool
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Question

By Pedregoso Rios
Seriously, this is the longest rain-delay I’ve ever sat through. Can we just get the game going again already?

Speaking of rains and baseball, now is as good a time as any for me to recommend a book I read several years ago called The Iowa Baseball Confederacy by W.P. Kinsella, the guy who wrote the Shoeless Joe, the book on which Field of Dreams is based. It’s wonderful if you like baseball. And rain.

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Suspended

By Pedregoso Rios
That’s just nutty, isn’t it?

Oh, and Rube Furrow’s Bobs of Bereavement are just 13 points away from overtaking Mark Olivarria’s Dodger Blue to take over the Overall lead, though it’ll take a some strikeouts by the Blues’ hitters for the Bobs to make up that ground. It can happen, though. That’s just nutty, isn’t it?

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Observation

By Pedregoso Rios
The Bereavements of the Bob variety might just find a way to pull off a Word Series comeback and win it all.

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No Better

By Pedregoso Rios
I listened to last night’s World Series coverage on ESPN radio. With Joe Morgan behind the mic, I’m sorry to say the coverages is no better on the radio. Isn’t Vin Scully available now that the Dodgers have been eliminated?

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Can You Hear Me Ow?

By Kevin Klinkhamer
Can we get this guy in the league next year?


Playoff Standings: Overall | Playoff | Team-by-Team Stats | Hitting Stats | Pitching Stats | HOF Death Pool
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Uh, Joe...

By Pedregoso Rios
Hey, Joe Buck, everything the Tampa Bay Rays do during this World Series is a franchise first. Literally a franchise first. We know. We get it. We understand. You seriously don’t have to point it out, like, every single time. So pointing out things like “That’s the first pitch ever thrown by a Rays lefty that was off the plate by three inches in a World Series game,” or “That’s the first time Evan Longoria scratched his gonads in the batter’s box in a World Series game,” or even “That’s the Rays’ first World Series win” ... really ... completely and totally pointless. Stop already. Please. Find something else vacuous and stupid and redundant and totally pointless to focus on during the remaining games, okay?

Playoff Standings: Overall | Playoff | Team-by-Team Stats | Hitting Stats | Pitching Stats | HOF Death Pool
Final Regular Season Standings: At-A-Glance | Overall | Division | Hitting | Pitching | Past Leaders
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